Tag: Thoughts

The performance.

Martyn Horner-Glister / / General, Personal, Thoughts

To clarify, this is the final plan for my performance.

I will be performing in Studio 3 on Wednesday 16th May 2012 at 17.30 for one hour.

Studio three will, in effect be the inside of my mind. Therefore I will be alone in the studio, as if alone in my own head while I deal with all the things in there. Props will act as prompts for me to talk about issues, litter and odd socks, etc. I will talk through various issues and problems I  have while tidying the space up. On one wall of the studio I also will have my Twitter feed projected.

Due to there being nobody in the space but myself, the audience will be outside the performance space, but before they take a seat they must face a choice.

The choice will be where they wish to observe the performance. There will be two options. The first will be in the upper viewing gallery above studio 3 where they can watch the performance live. There will also be another audience in another space not too far from the studio watching the performance through a live television link.

This splits the audience into a passive group and an interactive group.

The interactive group will watch through the television, but next to this there will be a PC with the Twitter site log in page open. This group can communicate with me during my performance, asking questions and offering support via Twitter through the pc, or via their smartphones to which I will respond as I see fit. In this way the audience help to shape the performance.

Naturally, the passive group will watch live through the studio window and listen in through the use of a laptop, but that is all they can do.

The contemporary nature of this interaction makes for a fluid performance, although makes me very nervous. It’s an element of risk as I don’t know what anyone will say or how I will respond. However, it also allows people who are not even in Lincoln to help shape the performance too. I will publicise my performance using Twitter and Facebook, so that if people are unable to attend, they will have the chance to be a part of it and offer me support.

It’s all coming together! In a terrifying sort of way…

These photo’s are of me testing the tech out. It works!

Martyn

Something I posted on my Tumblr blog the other day…

Martyn Horner-Glister / / Depression, Personal, Thoughts

As you may or may not be aware, I’ve really been suffering badly with my depression over the last couple of weeks, hence not posting anything here. I felt the need to explain myself a little, so I wrote the following and posted it on my Tumblr blog (which you can find here).

I’m not entirely sure this is relevant again, but the whole of my Solo Performance is going to be about me dealing with my issues and problems. So I guess this is a little taster.

I am beginning to feel a bit better, today. So I don’t want you to worry.

Anyhow, here’s my post about how I’m feeling…

 

I ain’t dead…

But every morning I wish I was.

I’ll be honest; I’ve been knocked on my arse recently, and I’m struggling to stand up again. This isn’t just wangsty crap either. It’s clinical, I’m in therapy and I’m on medication for it now.

At the risk of being called a woman, my emotions are everywhere, but I put on a mask when I see people because I can’t be seen like this. It’s. too. hard.

I’m not selfish, I just want to escape. I’m so very lonely, but it’s not always a case of needing company. My friends have been wonderful and good and kind but I worry I’m pissing them all off. I could be in the most crowded of places with everyone I know and still I’m alone. I’m alone in my head and in my soul and it feels like nothing I’ve ever known in my almost 30 years of meaningless existence. I want to get out of my head. I want to stop feeling.

In the last twelve months I have known misery, sorrow, the sweetest ecstasy, delight, pure deep love, fear, uncertainty, self loathing, loss and now the deepest pit of despair.

I have done zero work for two weeks. I just can’t face it because I can’t think straight, so how the hell am I supposed to write anything coherent, never mind a dissertation?

I’m sorry if this upsets or offends people but I have to let it out somehow. I don’t want sympathy or pity. Just don’t be offended if you call, text, email or whatever and I don’t reply. It’s just that sometimes I just have no words.

But sometimes I’ll need you. My friends. Those of you who have struggled to read this far without scoffing or navigating away from this page without a thought other than thinking what an idiot I am. You are the people who are, and have been there for me.

Thank you.

You don’t need to keep telling me you’re here for me, though. In a weird way that kind of makes me want to curl up and shut you out. I don’t know why. Just look me in the eye, squeeze my hand or arm and I’ll know if you’re who I want to talk to at any time. I’ll talk if I’m ready to, but just be warned that when it comes out I can go on for a long time, so boil the kettle.

Don’t worry, or feel guilty. I’ll be all right, but it’ll just take time.

Something old, but possibly still more relevant than ever…

Martyn Horner-Glister / / Depression, My Past, Personal, Thoughts

I wrote the following when I first started to feel depressed in December 2009. Good God! Was it that long ago?

Looking back, I had no idea what was wrong with me. Now I know and I wish I’d realised sooner and done something about it! So here you are. An insight into my mind in December 2009…

 

I feel dark and terrified of myself sometimes. Nobody ‘gets’ me. I often feel an inconvenience, something to be swept away and brushed to one side. The Bluebottle in the Ear of Life, that’s me. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy. Why should I? All that’s said will be a fleeting, ‘Aw, mate. You’ll be okay, chin up.’ and then when I’m out of your sight you’ll have forgotten me and my problems that I reluctantly spill at your feet, knowing you didn’t really care. Then there will be those of you so full of pomposity you will be furious. What an idiot, who does he think he is, the attention seeking little twerp.
Now, had I been writing this aged 14 you could pass it off as the ridiculous adolescent ramblings of a by-product of the 21st Century. However, I am not adolescent; I am 27 in with all my faculties fully developed. But I am aware it is an annoying ramble. I’m sorry to inconvenience you. Stop reading. Unless you may actually care and have a moment to actually listen to me.
I live my life to try and do good things for people. I always help others, I work hard and often for free scarcely giving myself and my own well being a thought. And yet I am always beaten back down into the gutter by those who care only for themselves.
I now genuinely believe that there is no hope for the human race or our planet. There are so many people doing bad things without a second’s thought. The last century has produced a great tsunami of ignorant, arrogant, mean, two-faced and selfish creatures who call themselves humans. We are not human. We are monsters greedily concerned only with our own well being at whatever cost, even if it means throttling the planet. The only thing we have in common with humanity is that we’re human shaped.
When will they day come when we actually do run out of energy? When the last tree of the ancient Amazonian rainforests is cut down? The current society of monsters does not care about the tomorrow their kids face. “Why should I recycle? Why save energy when I’ll be dead when it all happens so, so what?” How awful we are.
Humans really are the cancer of this planet. We’re probably bound to destroy ourselves. I wonder what will emerge from the ashes of humanity. I hope nothing does. At least, nothing human shaped because will have an element inside it which is the eternal excuse for anything; “I’m only human.” or, “nobody’s perfect.” How arrogant! How false!

I hope I’m wrong. I hope I cheer up. I don’t enjoy being like this, it’s torture. If anyone tries to mention it I’ll be jovial and laugh you off and pretend I was having an off day. I probably am.

But there we are. I’ve run out of steam. I can’t think of a nice neat little ending, so I’ll sign off awkwardly instead.

The Scream

Martyn Horner-Glister / / Depression, Thoughts

As an image for this Solo Performance, I find Edvard Munch’s The Scream pretty impressive. If you don’t know it, then here it is…

(from http://www.edvard-munch.com/gallery/anxiety/scream.htm, accessed on 12 March 2012)

Painted in 1893 by Munch The Scream depicts a man holding his head in despair. However, I remember hearing relatively recently that the new thinking behind this painting was that the man in the painting was covering his ears to stop hearing the screams of inmates from an asylum nearby. Unfortunately, I am unable to back this claim up because I can’t find this anywhere! I’m certain I haven’t made it up.

However, the background to this painting is not what I’m looking at. I believe that this picture accurately displays the inner feelings of a sufferer of depression and anxiety. As an image for my piece it is a good thing to look at, but I probably won’t be actually putting it in. Unless I could superimpose my own face on it? Hmm… One to research I think!

Was this a bad idea?

Martyn Horner-Glister / / Depression, Personal, Thoughts

It’s come to this, as I knew it would.

I’m not sure this is what this blog is for, really. But it is relative to the topic, so there we are.

I’m going to the doctor in the morning.

I’m going to be put on anti-depressants.

I don’t like that.

I don’t like that At All.

 

I want to get better. I have to or I’ll…

 

I’ll what? Do “something silly”? I don’t think so, but when I’m having a bad “episode”, for want of a better word, late at night then I often think I’d do anything to stop feeling. My God, get a grip Horner-Glister!

Was doing this for my solo performance a bad idea? Addressing my issues publicly for all to see and calling it therapy sounds great and “arty” and with any luck should get me a good grade, but do I really want to do it? I’m not sure.

I’m just feeling a bit low. Well, very low, and scared for tomorrow’s appointment. It’s stupid really and I know it, and that makes me feel worse! Vicious cycle.

I’m terrified of the side effects and I know I’m being irrational and stupid but that knowledge really doesn’t help.

I think I just need sleep and to remember that this will be worth it. My solo performance will help me. I want it to be the end of feeling extremes of mood like this!

Many apologies. I’ll be back and posting again soon.