Tag: personal

Something old, but possibly still more relevant than ever…

Martyn Horner-Glister / / Depression, My Past, Personal, Thoughts

I wrote the following when I first started to feel depressed in December 2009. Good God! Was it that long ago?

Looking back, I had no idea what was wrong with me. Now I know and I wish I’d realised sooner and done something about it! So here you are. An insight into my mind in December 2009…

 

I feel dark and terrified of myself sometimes. Nobody ‘gets’ me. I often feel an inconvenience, something to be swept away and brushed to one side. The Bluebottle in the Ear of Life, that’s me. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy. Why should I? All that’s said will be a fleeting, ‘Aw, mate. You’ll be okay, chin up.’ and then when I’m out of your sight you’ll have forgotten me and my problems that I reluctantly spill at your feet, knowing you didn’t really care. Then there will be those of you so full of pomposity you will be furious. What an idiot, who does he think he is, the attention seeking little twerp.
Now, had I been writing this aged 14 you could pass it off as the ridiculous adolescent ramblings of a by-product of the 21st Century. However, I am not adolescent; I am 27 in with all my faculties fully developed. But I am aware it is an annoying ramble. I’m sorry to inconvenience you. Stop reading. Unless you may actually care and have a moment to actually listen to me.
I live my life to try and do good things for people. I always help others, I work hard and often for free scarcely giving myself and my own well being a thought. And yet I am always beaten back down into the gutter by those who care only for themselves.
I now genuinely believe that there is no hope for the human race or our planet. There are so many people doing bad things without a second’s thought. The last century has produced a great tsunami of ignorant, arrogant, mean, two-faced and selfish creatures who call themselves humans. We are not human. We are monsters greedily concerned only with our own well being at whatever cost, even if it means throttling the planet. The only thing we have in common with humanity is that we’re human shaped.
When will they day come when we actually do run out of energy? When the last tree of the ancient Amazonian rainforests is cut down? The current society of monsters does not care about the tomorrow their kids face. “Why should I recycle? Why save energy when I’ll be dead when it all happens so, so what?” How awful we are.
Humans really are the cancer of this planet. We’re probably bound to destroy ourselves. I wonder what will emerge from the ashes of humanity. I hope nothing does. At least, nothing human shaped because will have an element inside it which is the eternal excuse for anything; “I’m only human.” or, “nobody’s perfect.” How arrogant! How false!

I hope I’m wrong. I hope I cheer up. I don’t enjoy being like this, it’s torture. If anyone tries to mention it I’ll be jovial and laugh you off and pretend I was having an off day. I probably am.

But there we are. I’ve run out of steam. I can’t think of a nice neat little ending, so I’ll sign off awkwardly instead.

Was this a bad idea?

Martyn Horner-Glister / / Depression, Personal, Thoughts

It’s come to this, as I knew it would.

I’m not sure this is what this blog is for, really. But it is relative to the topic, so there we are.

I’m going to the doctor in the morning.

I’m going to be put on anti-depressants.

I don’t like that.

I don’t like that At All.

 

I want to get better. I have to or I’ll…

 

I’ll what? Do “something silly”? I don’t think so, but when I’m having a bad “episode”, for want of a better word, late at night then I often think I’d do anything to stop feeling. My God, get a grip Horner-Glister!

Was doing this for my solo performance a bad idea? Addressing my issues publicly for all to see and calling it therapy sounds great and “arty” and with any luck should get me a good grade, but do I really want to do it? I’m not sure.

I’m just feeling a bit low. Well, very low, and scared for tomorrow’s appointment. It’s stupid really and I know it, and that makes me feel worse! Vicious cycle.

I’m terrified of the side effects and I know I’m being irrational and stupid but that knowledge really doesn’t help.

I think I just need sleep and to remember that this will be worth it. My solo performance will help me. I want it to be the end of feeling extremes of mood like this!

Many apologies. I’ll be back and posting again soon.

Ideas!

Martyn Horner-Glister / / Depression, Personal, Thoughts

I’ve just been musing on ideas for the final performance. I’ve decided that I want to use the experience of this solo performance as a kind of therapy. So here are some idea I’ve been throwing around…

  • I could have Studio 1 set up as the whole of my mind. Varying objects in different positions around the room could represent my varying anxieties. these could be anything from pictures from my past to beer bottles to old work uniforms.
  • I will have a projection of myself on the wall, interjecting whatever comes to mind at the time of recording. These could be criticisms of myself, swearing, words of encouragement, praise… Anything really. But I think I’d like to record the projection a long time before the performance so that I have time to forget what has been recorded and get a good and genuine reaction from it by myself in the performance.
  • I would like to do this with a small audience. Maybe only the first five people to turn up. However, I think that I’d like do this piece over the course of an hour, perhaps two, therefore maybe I should perform in Studio 3 where there is a ‘veiwing gallery’. I think that way if anyone should feel uncomfortable or unhappy with what I’m doing, then they are free to come and go as they please, as would be anybody else. I think, however, that I should have someone close in the room with me, which leads me on to my next point…
  • I may even use real people in my performance. Whether they are there to hold my hand at certain times or to offer encouragement. I think that without this, the performance could very quickly turn into public nervous breakdown. Nobody wants that! Certainly not me! Therefore I think it’s important to remember to have things in the room that are good in my life, and not all bad.
  • I would also like to use music. This is because I believe that music can alter moods.  As yet, I’m not sure how I’d use it, but I would have to be very specific about my choices.

So there you have it. That’s where I am right now with this. Please let me know what you think. I need the feedback to help me shape what I’m doing.

Cheers,

 

Martyn

Biting the bullet!

Martyn Horner-Glister / / Depression, Personal, Thoughts

I think I’ve reached a decision.

I’ve unfortunately missed today’s session which is very annoying because I had my routine all planned out!

However, my decision…

I think I’m going to look into the perils of being a mature student, but, from the point of view of a sufferer of depression. Believe me; even just typing that was a struggle. Therefore, I will be looking at methods of performing and delivering a sincere message. Obviously, I want to have an impact on my audience, but equally I don’t want to upset anybody. I feel depression is a misunderstood illness and want to get out there the idea that is ok to talk about it. It’s hard, but I think it can be done. That’s why I’m going to blend in the everyday nuisance of being a mature student. I already have material written which I think can be rewritten to include elements of my condition.

Yes, my condition, if you hadn’t already reached that conclusion. I have depression and am in counselling. There, I said it. This is partly the thought behind incorporating my Twitter feed into this blog. I tend to use Twitter as an outlet and, as much trouble as it has gotten me into in the past with various people, I believe that seeing my state of mind will help give an insight into what I’m doing and why I’m doing it.

I think this performance as a whole could be of use, not only to me, but to others. I want people to be more aware of the illness so that they can see the warning signs either in themselves or others and not be afraid to do something about it.

My performance will be a blend of autobiography, comedy, facts, a slideshow and advice for anyone who may need it.

I would also ask for anyone who has any experience, thoughts or feelings on the subject to please get in touch with me. Either leave a comment on this blog or if you’d rather have privacy, email me at 09164187@students.lincoln.ac.uk and we can chat and throw ideas and thoughts around.

I look forward to hearing from you,

 

Martyn